Triggers, Teachers and Taking Back Your Power
Triggers are sneaky little gremlins. They show up uninvited, hijack your nervous system, and leave you wondering, “Why did that random comment from Aunt Linda ruin my whole day?”
Kristen Wiig’s Aunt Linda character from SNL
What is a trigger?
A trigger is any stimulus—person, place, thought, comment, or situation—that sparks an unwanted emotional or behavioral response. In short, it pokes the bear (and by bear, I mean that part of you still carrying pain or fear).
Why it feels worse when it’s someone you love:
When a loved one says something triggering, it cuts deeper. There’s more emotional weight because you trust them, you care about what they think, and that vulnerable part of you takes their words personally. But here’s the magic: that triggered part of you? It doesn’t have to run the show.
Instead of reacting from that activated state, try these coping strategies:
🛠️ Coping with Triggered States
Pause & Breathe – Your body is your first clue. Tight chest, racing heart? Pause before reacting. Excuse yourself and take a quick, calm-down trip to the bathroom or outside and breathe slowly and deeply.
Name the Trigger – “Oh hey, that’s my ‘I’m-not-good-enough’ part showing up again.”
Ground Yourself – Press your feet into the floor, take a slow breath, and remind yourself you’re safe now. You can also try the Butterfly Hug, a proven grounding technique.
💬 What To Do When Triggered by Loved Ones:
Use Assertive Language – “I’d prefer not to discuss that right now.” Respectfully saying how you feel isn’t rude, it’s honoring your boundaries.
Use Assertive Questioning - “Why do you ask?” This gauges their intent, buys you time, and reclaims your power in the conversation.
The Artful Dodger (keeping your cool) - “That’s a good point.”, “I’ll give that some thought.”, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” You’re not picking a fight, you’re ending the exchange, they feel like they’ve been heard, and now you can move on to something else - or you can end the conversation.
Practice Mindful Detachment – Not every comment deserves a front-row seat in your mental theater. Remember, what they say is ultimately about them, not you. As Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us in The Four Agreements, “Don’t take anything personally.” When we stop assuming others' words or actions are about us, we free ourselves from unnecessary suffering and step into emotional freedom. Recognize their comment may reflect their stuff, not your truth.
No one can “make” you feel anything. - Your feelings are cues, not commands.
Loving? - What they are saying may come from a place of love - misguided and dysfunctional as it may be. Sometimes, there is no ill will, just a lack of awareness.
👀 Shift Your Lens: People as Teachers
When you feel triggered, ask:
What part of me is activated right now?
What wound is this poking at?
What can I learn from this?
Seeing others as mirrors (rather than villains) helps you reclaim your power. And who wants to feel powerless? Especially powerless to Aunt Linda!
Want more support in building emotional resilience and reclaiming calm in the chaos? Let’s talk.
📚 References:
American Psychological Association. (2020). APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/trigger
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Whole-Brain Child. Delacorte Press.
Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. Amber-Allen Publishing.
