When Safety Isn’t a Given: How Physical Abuse Shapes the Nervous System, Relationships, and the Path to Healing
Loving Someone After Trauma: A Guide for Partners of Physical Abuse Survivors
When someone has experienced physical abuse—especially at the hands of someone they once trusted—their body and brain adapt for survival. Even after the abuse ends, their nervous system may still operate as if they are in danger. Understanding this can make the difference between building a safe, healing relationship... or unintentionally retraumatizing them.
This isn’t just emotional—it’s biological. According to trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, trauma is stored in the body and shows up through physical reactions, like muscle tension, nausea, or a racing heart, when something triggers a past memory (The Body Keeps the Score, 2014).
🧠 Trauma Rewires the Brain and Body
After physical abuse, a sense of safety is deeply compromised. Their brain, especially the amygdala (the fear center), becomes hyper-vigilant. The autonomic nervous system (ANS)—responsible for fight, flight, or freeze responses—can be activated by perceived threats, even if the current situation is objectively safe. Dr. Stephen Porges, developer of Polyvagal Theory, explains this as neuroception—the body’s unconscious scanning for danger, which can misfire even in safe environments (The Polyvagal Theory, 2011).
In moments of perceived threat (real or not), their body might:
Go into fight mode: they might lash out, raise their voice, or appear defensive
Shift into flight mode: they might need to leave the room or conversation
Drop into freeze: they may shut down, become numb, dissociate, or go silent
Pivot into Fawn: people-pleasing tendencies arise, and they abandon their own needs to avoid conflict
These reactions are not a choice, nor are they overreactions. They’re the body’s way of saying, “I remember what happened before. I’m not letting it happen again!”
🛑 In these moments, logic is offline. The prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for rational thought, problem-solving, and verbal communication—gets hijacked. They may not be able to process reassurance or reason in that state.
🚨 How This Shows Up in a Relationship
Even if they trust their partner, certain tones, gestures, or moments of conflict may unconsciously remind their nervous system of the abuse.
Survivors might:
Overreacting to minor conflict or criticism
React intensely if they perceive betrayal or invalidation
Take longer to open up emotionally
Interpreting neutral expressions as anger or threat
Needing frequent reassurance
Taking longer to cool down after an argument
Seeming “on edge” or emotionally distant without explanation
It’s not that they don’t love their current partner. It’s that their body is trying to protect them from something it remembers—even if their mind knows they are safe.
🧘🏽♂️ How to Be a Calming Presence (Instead of a Trigger)
If you love a survivor of physical abuse, you are not the problem—but you can be a part of the healing.
If you're in a relationship with a survivor of physical abuse, your role isn’t to fix them—it’s to co-regulate. As trauma therapist Deb Dana reminds us, safety is the treatment, not just the precondition (The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, 2018). Here’s how you can help:
Stay grounded when the other person gets overwhelmed
Stay calm. Your nervous system can help regulate theirs. Even when you feel frustrated or hurt, take some deep breaths and/or use mindfulness exercises and speak gently.
Safety, no raised voices, slamming doors, or intimidating body language
Own your own reactions, in conflict, and avoid minimizing their experience
Give space, but stay emotionally available
Educate yourself. Learn about trauma responses and PTSD. You’re not alone—and neither are they.
Encourage healing, like trauma-informed therapy or somatic practices
Validate their experience, even if you don’t understand it. Don’t argue. Say things like, “That makes sense, you’d feel that way,” or “I can see that was really upsetting,” before trying to explain your side. Or just let it go. Remember, when you win, they lose. Look for win-win opportunities. Would you rather be right or in a healthier relationship?
Use Active Listening skills - Own your feelings by using “I feel _______ when _______ because ________.” and when your partner shares how they feel, you can tell them what you heard in your own words. True listening is love in action.
PRO TIP: Don’t interrupt. Interrupting can feel like an act of aggression. It’s telling the person you’re having the conversation with that you don’t want to hear what they have to say, which can easily be interpreted as you don’t care - even if that is not your intention. Let your partner finish their thought. They will feel heard and know that you genuinely care about their feelings.
In post-trauma relationships—romantic, platonic, or professional—trust can take time to build and even longer to rebuild after a rupture. The nervous system doesn’t just calm down because someone is “nice.” It needs repeated proof of safety.
🧩 If that fragile trust is broken—especially if they feel cornered or blamed—their body may respond as though the abuse is happening all over again. Rebuilding trust can be a time-consuming process that requires patience, support, and compassion.
✨ Healing Takes Time—But It’s Possible
Over time, with the right support, survivors can rebuild a sense of safety within themselves and others. Modalities like somatic therapy, EMDR, trauma-informed CBT, art therapy, and mindfulness-based interventions help process stored trauma and regulate the nervous system.
As Dan Siegel puts it: “What is shareable becomes bearable.” (The Developing Mind, 2012).
🗣 Final Words
Loving someone with a trauma history takes tenderness, patience, and emotional agility. You’re not expected to be perfect—but being curious, calm, and committed can create the conditions for true healing.
📚 References
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
